Broadway, New York City
Stupid Expressions
You're familiar with the phrase, 'Failure is not an option.' What the hell does that mean? I mean, do people working on any kind of project ever have the following kind of conversation?
'I'm glad we're all together, so we can review our options. Jim, why don't you start?'
'Well Mary, if we want to get this project finished on time, we could add more manpower. But it will make things more costly.'
'Uh huh. And you, Suzanne?'
'I can see how we can cut some corners here and there, that's something we could look into.'
'OK, how about you, Frank?'
'Well, another idea is that we could just fail.'
'Fail?'
'Yes, you know, not succeed.'
'Aha. Well, we'll keep that option open for sure.'
'Thanks, Mary.'
This year's unlucky loser: Turkey
| Having been forcibly restrained and forced to watch all 26 entries of the 2003 Eurovision Song Contest, I now have a theory that explains this horrifying event. Last year, host country Estonia spent an entire year's worth of TV budget on the song contest; it's hugely expensive. No country wants to become next year's host. How do you avoid becoming a host? By not winning. How do you not win? By submitting the worst possible song. Suddenly, it all makes sense. The ESC is a contest to create the worst piece of musical performance possible. If you're good, you lose. |  |
The World of Meta
Whenever we talk about a group of things of the same type, the need to talk about an unspecified, random instance of that type arises, the so-called metavariables. In mathematics, for example, the metavariables are the variables x and y.
As it turns out, nearly every topic has its own metavariables. Here is a sample, can you tell me any you know of?
- Products
- the widget
- Technical materials
- the thingamajig, dohickey, and watchamacallit
- Computer programming variables
- foo, bar and others
- Databases
- Northwind
- Sentences
- The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog
- Chunks of text
- Lorem ipsum etc.
- People
- John Doe
- Cryptography users
- Alice, Bob and others.
Did anyone notice spam spelled backward is maps?
Dear Mr Rydell,
I'm not in the habit of reading spam, but sometimes, I'm actually entertained by them. You did the trick. I'm writing my response on this weblog because your spam says, 'DO NOT REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL, WE WILL NEVER RECEIVE IT!' (You're quite the shouter, aren't you?)
Your mail opens with the phrase, "Greetings, my name is Jonathan Rydell, a self-made Internet Millionaire, and I am offering YOU the opportunity to earn ONE MILLION DOLLARS without doing ANY work whatsoever!"
Mr Rydell, most people who are intelligent enough to use a web browser will have trouble believing this statement. There is such a thing as painting a too rosy picture of whatever you're selling. The promise of making a million bucks while apparently sitting on your ass all day fits snugly into this category. It's as believable as when someone were to walk up to you in the street and tell you that Penelope Cruz was about to drop by your house later for a hot date.
You continue with a link and the intriguing statement that 'AOL MEMBERS may need to type the above URL into your browser.' Well, I'm sorry Mr Rydell, but any AOL MEMBERS forcing themselves into my apartment to try and type the above URL (or anything else, for that matter) in my browser, will be chased out with the aid of a blunt instrument, and told to contact a certain J. Rydell for any damages.
Of course, I didn't press the link (my mom says I shouldn't, because 'you don't know where it's been') and was therefore left intrigued as to the nature of the scheme. Are we talking pyramid schemes here? Or does it involve Nigerian ex-government officials? I'm afraid I will never know, and I'm not saddened by it. In fact, thank you for lending an air of mystery to my inbox.
Yours sincerely,
cronopio
I just couldn't resist
vu'wI'!
Herbert Nigsfeld jIH. jatlhwI' tlhingan Hol Qu'ra' juHmaw'vaD vItu'pu'. tlhIHvaD jIvumqang. tlhIHvaD jIlaHbejqu'.
tlhingan Hol vIjatlhchu' Daleghlah. Doch lI'be' Qub SoSwI', 'ach DoH lI'qu'! jImaw' jalth je SoSwI'. vaj ghotpu'vaD maw' vum qay'be'chu'.
tlhihvaD HIvummoH!
Qapla'!
Herbert Nigsfeld
If PCs were smart and honest, they'd say:
- "I'm not smart enough to do this for you. You're on your own."
- "You're about to delete a document you've been editing for hours. It's illogical that you'd wanna throw away so much work, so I refuse to delete it. In fact, I made a backup."
- "Your IQ is higher than that of a trained simian. So while you logged on as a new user, I'm gonna assume you can operate a mouse."
- "I'll now spell check your document. Please be aware that I usually can't tell if a word is misspelled if the misspelled version is in the dictionary."
Windmills of Mass Destruction
Well, not all blog entries need to be about the war. Let me talk instead about the book that I'm reading, the classic novel 'Don Quixote', which is truly brilliant. It's all about this guy who's insane, and who sees dangers all around him that aren't really there (remember the windmills he thinks are giants?). Though thoroughly convinced that his idiotic activities are chivalrous and of benefit to mankind, he actually hurts innocent people with the large assortment of swords, lances and other weapons he carries around.
Like I said, this posting is, of course, completely unrelated to the war.
Please, entrust these people with your lives!
Recently, I derided the WTO for producing a 101-page document about sardines. If you think the U.S. military is a better-oiled (no pun intended) organization, let me introduce you to the wonderful world of MILSPEC. MILSPEC writes specification documents for army purchases, from H-bombs to underpants. Let me quote from the 23-page (!) specification for oatmeal cookies and chocolate-covered brownies. As far as I can tell it's about how to open the packaging:
"Delamination shall be scored as a defect except delamination of outer ply when located in the seal area 1/16 inch or further from food product edge of seal. Bags exhibiting this type of delamination shall be tested by manually flexing the delaminated area 10 times. The delaminated area shall be held between thumb and forefinger of each hand with both thumbs and forefingers touching each other. The delaminated area shall then be rapidly flexed by rotating both hands in alternating clockwise-counterclockwise directions. Care shall be exercised when flexing delaminated area near the tear notches to avoid tearing the bag material. After flexing, the separated outer ply shall be grasped between the thumb and forefinger and gently lifted toward the food product edge of the seal. If the separated area is too small to be held between thumb and forefinger, a number two stylus shall be inserted into the delaminated area and a gentle lifting force applied against the outer ply. If separation of the outer ply can be made to extend to less than 1/16 inch from the prodcut edge of the seal with no discernible resistance to the gentle lifting, the bag shall be rejected."
For more such fun, search the document database yourself (select a category under FSC/Area and pick a document from the result list that isn't categorized as 'Canceled').
"His Q and his N look very alike"
In a surprise announcement, President George W. Bush has just declared that he will be attacking not Iraq, but its mortal foe and neighbor, Iran. He blames the confusion based on "Dick[ Cheney]'s sloppy handwriting." Bush has been suspected of dyslexia in the past.
"Of course I meant Iran!" he patiently explained. "After all, Iran is a fundamentalist country, Iraq isn't! Iran is much more likely to sponsor terrorism. What did you think I was, stupid or something?" He went on to explain that he was "sorry about the mix-up" but "still expects the Ayatollah to disarm within 48 hours."
Briefly
"Hey, Bob."
"Ed! Haven't seen you in ages, how have you been?"
"Well, to cut a long story short, I'm married."
"Married? Well, congratulations! That's great to hear."
"Thanks. We're very happy."
"But wait, why did you say, 'to cut a long story short'? What was the long story?"
"I didn't tell you."
"That's right, you didn't. Why not?"
"I just told you. To cut a long story short, that's why."
"But don't people usually say that after a long story?"
"Do they? That's stupid. Why cut a long story short after you've told it?"
"Hm. I guess you're right."
Movie Clichés Strike Back
30. The private eye will always somehow anger the police detective, generally by being on the scene of a murder first.
31. If said private eye is injured in some way, he will be asked how he got the injury and reply, 'I cut myself shaving'.
32. If a team of heroes, confronted with some problem, is stuck, one team member will cry out, 'There's just no way to do this!' The oldest and/or wisest person will then volunteer that 'there is one thing… but it's very dangerous.' The team will execute the plan, which never fails, no matter how unlikely the odds.
Was Hitler a Nazi?
| In his controversial new book "The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler", Harvard professor of History Cecil Arkin claims that Hitler, the man who was Germany's leader from 1933 to 1945, was a nazi. "I think there's substantial evidence to support my claim", says Arkin. "I've been looking at a great deal of documentary material, and it is my firm belief that he was certainly a nazi sympathizer." Arkin's bold claim has generated mixed responses in the academic community. "If this is true, it puts Mr Hitler's military campaign in a whole new light", says Professor David Muffel of the UCLA. |  Mr Hitler |
Fifty Former Googlewhacks
| coelacanth novelisation warmonger nauseates mastodon synecdoche eggnog prescience aphrodisiacal oxtail sociopathic allosaurus visigothic crocheting zoroastrian firefighting happier archeopteryxes messianic peignoir troglodytical cuisine hagiographical golem fratricidal bumblebee ejaculating poppycock filibustering yaks splendiferous diarrhoea taoist vociferousness psychotropic philatelist comatose generalissimos sandblaster petrification lithotripsy stoning endowing goatherder jaywalking somnambulism persecutory chansons snowiest whodunits | antediluvian neurotoxins autohypnosis sleeplessness sabertoothed preponderance gobbledegook mohawks telekinetic jitterbugs impregnated constabularies mousey ornithopter sublunar osculation violoncellist fundamentalism dodecahedral slobs criminologist lederhosen astrophysics knish munchkin nefariousness flatulency colognes hydrochloric chador depolarize spittoon marimba shiites visigothic palmtop jackass colporteurs ichthyological deixis diphthong lasciviousness interurban parsec despot cigarillos serendipitous blowpipes heteroerotic projectile |
Jackass: The Movie a "desperate cry for help"
 | Dr Ruth Hentzbacher, a University of Tennessee psychology graduate, has seen the entire "Jackass" series, and the resulting movie, many times. But not for fun. Rather, she claims its participants are "troubled youths in need of nurturing and care." 'I've often heard young people speak about performing auto-mutilation to escape their difficult and confusing lives. But never before has such unambiguous masochism been filmed and shown to millions. This will definitely raise self-mutilation awareness. These kids are obviously numbing the pain of their dreary, banal lives with even stronger physical pain.' 'Either that, or they're a bunch of fucking idiots.' |
Iconography 101
Icons were, supposedly, once intended to help users figure out what a button does, without having to display the text.
However, most computer operation only marginally lend themselves for visualization, resulting in cryptic icons such as these.
| Icon | Meaning |
 | This is probably gonna take a while. Read a book or something. |
 | You're still using floppies? That is so last millennium! |
 | The guy who made this program was a commie. |
 | Hey you! Get down! |
 | Application made by an ok guy. |
 | Press this button to see your favorite help avatar. |
 | If you don't like this editor, buddy, there's always pen and paper. |
Distant Relatives 2
 |  |
| Kate Bush | George W Bush |
The other is an acclaimed singer/songwriter who, starting a career around the age of 18, has managed to incorporate references to such literary masterpieces as Wuthering Heights and James Joyce's Ulysses into the lyrics of an oeuvre that is both publicly and critically popular.
Of course, the question is: how could they be related?
The Fandom Menace
In 2017, a group of hysterically obsessed Star Wars fans, convinced George Lucas is their spiritual alien leader, found the Cult of Darths. Reading Lucas' films both as religious works and as subtle pro-Dark Side pamphlets, the Cult claims that "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" means there must be historical clues proving the saga really happened, and that the star of Bethlehem was actually the blinding flash of the demolition of the planet Alderaan. In 2029, twenty-seven members commit seppuku with light sabers (by that time an actual weapon); the remainder of the cult dissipates.
Revenge of the Movie Clichés
27. When a new recruit joins the police force, he will initially be regarded suspiciously by his new colleagues. However, by the end of the movie he will have shown himself to be a professional who never makes mistakes and has the respect of the entire department.
28. If a heart monitor is beeping during a scene, either while the patient is undergoing surgery or just while lying in a hospital, there is a 94% chance the patient will go into cardiac arrest within the next 10 minutes.
29. The elderly are never shown kissing each other on the lips.
They Hide Swords Under There
Many people complain that Islamic women's chadors and burqas, those headdresses which leave only the eyes visible, symbolize sexist oppression by muslim men.
But in reality, this type of clothing is a symbol of power, stealth and major ass-kicking, and originated in the Far East rather than the Near East. The pictures below should enlighten you.
 |  |
That's right, a chador's simply an extension of the ninja costume. These silent and mysterious assassins inspired muslims visiting the Orient into adopting a similar dress code. So when you see a woman wearing a chador, don't pity her; just be very, very afraid.
Mr IT Conspiracy Theorist Says:
"You know how sometimes, when you enter a user name and a password, you think you mistyped the password but you still get in? Well, here's a newsflash for you, my friend: you really did mistype the password. They just don't check it properly. I mean, get real. You don't think they really have this whole security thing going on, do you? It would cost them amazing amounts of money to program that stuff. The whole thing is just a front to make you feel like they care whether people find out about your porn collection. It's just clever marketing."
Shameless Attempt to Boost Traffic to this site
Dick and Lolita were having a discussion in the garden. 'So you're saying politicians suck? My, Dick, I'd expected something more original from you,' said Lolita, stroking her pussy cat, known fondly as Booty because of its bright, white paws. Dick looked at the horizon; though the sunset was golden, showers were predicted for tomorrow. 'Well,' Lolita said, 'You'd better come in. My face is red from the cold.' 'But I want to stay out,' whined Dick. 'Don't be a jerk. Off with you to the house', his girlfriend said, and they went inside. There, they engaged in sexual activities.
The Return of Thomas Swift
- 'If I only knew someone who could poetically inspire me...', mused Tom.
- 'I don't care about driving drunk tonight, my girlfriend's left me', Tom said ruthlessly.
- 'I see you have a talent for music', Tom noted.
- 'I happen to own a large amount of ships', Tom said fleetingly.
- 'Who- who- who- who- who- Who let the dogs out?!' Tom barked.
- 'Don't eat all the cake!', said Tom tartly.
- 'All these clothes I have to put on!' Tom said wearily.
- 'You're saying my insurance is no longer valid?!' Tom exclaimed.
- 'Your chemical burned a hole in my carpet', Tom said acidly.
More of this
Keep It Real
 | This little-known movie running at only 26 minutes, had the critics raving about "postmodernist plot devices" and "a credible, finite storyline", but bombed in cinemas. In it, we meet Sergeant Alex Logan, whose partner gets mowed down in a drive-by. Logan, out for revenge, has a fight with the commissioner and loses his badge and his gun. Intent on solving the crime alone, he responds to an anonymous call promising clues to the murder. Cautiously, Logan heads for the dockyards at night and ventures into an empty warehouse as instructed. He gets shot in the back and dies instantly. The End. |
"Don't call me stupid!" -Otto
'I'm studying this difficult subject, and you know what I'm beginning to realize?'
'What.'
'That I'm really not stupid; I actually understand everything.'
'Sheesh… I could have told you that. Of course you're not stupid. Not realizing you're intelligent, now that's a sign of stupidity.'
'Of course it isn't!'
'What do you mean?'
'Listen. You're saying only stupid people don't realize their own intelligence, right?'
'Right, exactly.'
'But if you're stupid, you don't have any intelligence to begin with. So what's to realize?'
'Er… hang on. Let me think about this. Ehm…'
'See? That's why you're stupid and I'm not.'
Pen and paper's good enough for me, thank you very much!
For professional reasons, I'm now the proud 'owner' of The Chicago Manual of Style (14th edition, last updated 1993). Sources inform me that this is one of the most authoritative sources on writing well, formatting footnotes and building bibliographies.
I'm sure it is, but reading the following passage made me laugh:
"A great many, perhaps a preponderance, of manuscripts are now prepared by computerized word processing. This process not only offers the considerable advantage of greatly facilitating revision, but also provides a much broader range of characters and functions than those offered by even the most sophisticated electronic typewriters. With some computer systems, function keys, combinations of keys, or special codes can be used to enter diacritical marks, non-Latin characters, and math symbols. There are also systems that allow the "remapping" of standard keyboards (alternative keyboard functions) to make it easier to enter text that requires special characters. Such systems may display the alternative keyboard layout on the screen. Not all systems have the capability of displaying all the special characters that have been entered, but in that case it may be possible to gain some reassurance before printout by displaying and verifying the codes for such special characters. Not every printer, moreover, is capable of reproducing all of the characters displayed on the screen, and it may therefore be important to find a printer that is sufficiently versatile. Special characters may sometimes be represented by combinations of standard characters. It is also possible to find software that can create individual special characters and, indeed, complete fonts. Some software packages are capable of setting up tables; such programs can, for instance, produce multiple tabs, make columnar adjustments, perform spreadsheet management functions, and provide vertical as well as horizontal rules."
I'm imagining the author of this wonderful prose as being the proud owner of a bow-tie, a pipe, several vests, countless pencils and a mind that thinks things started going downhill when those long-haired youngsters began wreaking havoc. Someone should gently try to introduce him to the twenty-first century.
Movie Cliché #26
[minor character] calls [hero]; he has important information to divulge, but "I can't tell you over the phone --it's too dangerous. Meet me at [location]". [minor character] will now come to a gruesome end before [hero] can learn the secret, but usually leaves behind some useful clue.
The reasons this happens so frequently are:
- Plot development: The clue helps [hero] to find [villain].
- Suspense: [minor character]'s death signifies that [villain] means business.
- Drama: If [minor character] is a close friend of [hero]'s, this will motivate [hero] (implying that if it's not personal, [hero] sits on his ass all day.)
Culture Clash
In these days of imminent war and an ever-growing transatlantic divide, we tend to overlook how big the difference between Americans and Europeans really was in the first place. Consider the following.
| Topic | Americans | Europeans |
| The movie 'Batman' | An exploration of the darkness of the human psyche through the mythical cartoon character | Lots of explosions while some guy runs around in tights without saying anything, looking moody |
| The movie 'The Flintstones' | A hilarious tribute to the first fully animated sitcom | Some people dressed up like idiots resembling that stupid cartoon in which the characters only moved their mouths and legs. |
The Encyclopedia of Questionable Lyrics, Part 1
Julio Iglesias was creepy, but the son he spawned is weirder:
If you feel like leaving
I'm not gonna beg you to stay
Soon you'll be finding
You can run, you can hide
But you can't escape my love
('Escape')
Gee, Enrique sure knows the way to a woman's heart. He'll unlock the handcuffs if she insists, but the tracking device has no 'off' switch.
What's that? Shouts from the audience? 'You're just jealous, cronopio. He'll be sweet–even if it means violating a restraining order.' Well, pshaw, I say, read this:
Maybe I just wanna touch you
Feel you warm inside again
Maybe I just wanna hurt you
The sweetest pleasure is pain
I don't know why why
But I love to see you cry
I don't know why why
It just makes me feel alive
('Love to see you cry')
So the stalker is a sadist, too!. Book me a dream date with Enrique, but keep the ambulance in neutral. He may not 'know why', but I do, Enrique: 'cause you're a fucking sicko, that’s why.
Movie Clichés -- they just keep coming!
24. Whenever the hero, arriving at his home, sees patrol cars in the street, it always means a friend or relative was shot dead. (They always have the courtesy of getting killed a few yards from the hero's house.) He then manages to slip past the cops who are holding back the dozens of onlookers.
25. More often than not, the hero and villain, while chasing each other, wind up in some warehouse. While trying to find each other amongst the crates and cardboard boxes, they will always engage in some kind of profound discussion, rather than shutting up and listening.
Waaaaiiit a minute...
Sometimes, you repeat the same routine again and again for years, until one day, your neurons are aligned in such a way that you have an unexpected insight.
For example: when cooking Chinese noodles, the package says to throw in the nests of noodles and, after about 2 minutes of cooking, 'use two forks to pull the nests apart.' I don't know how many thousands of times I obediently followed these instructions without thinking.
Until one day, when I suddenly thought: Forks. Forks. For Chinese noodles. How do the Chinese pull this off? They don't have forks!
The enigma remains.
Fun Facts
Here are some interesting internet factoids:
- 85.4 percent of internet users does not actually own a surfboard.
- The company that produces the luncheon meat known as Spam has never actually produced spam in the junk email sense. The meat, however, is almost as disgusting.
- If you receive an offer from a Nigerian to help him free some ludicrous amount of money from a Swiss bank account (and gain a few percent of the money pile in the process), do not be tempted! The man or woman is a scam artist. He or she is actually from Niger, not from Nigeria.
Homer, buddy, let's do lunch and discuss the merchandising!
You've read the books.. now own the gadgets!
 | Golden Apple. An exact replica of the apple Paris gave to Aphrodite. A perfect gift for that special someone. |
 | "Sirens" CD. To listen to over and over again. We guarantee you'll never get enough of this beautiful singing. |
 | Lotus Flower Seeds. Plant them, grow them, eat them... and take a well-deserved break from reality. |
 | Penelope's Embroidery Book. Learn embroidering the Penelope way... sew, tear out, cry and sew all over again. Guaranteed to keep you busy for twenty years! |
 | Build-Yourself Trojan Horse. The talk of every dinner party! |
More movie clichés
21. When a horrendous criminal is being interrogated and Our Hero is looking at him through the two-way mirror, there is a 59% chance the criminal will look at the mirror. In such cases, he will always be miraculously staring at the exact spot where Our Hero is standing (and realizing he is doing so), no matter how large the mirror.
22. In any military platoon, police team etc. there will always be either one person of an ethnic minority or none, but never two or more.
23. Any black supporting character's wife will have a lighter shade of skin than her husband.
A flick by any other name II
I recently thought up the idea of movies with the title of a classic but with a completely different plot. I've found a new one:
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, 2003. Gay porn movie made on Ibiza. Butch, a muscular thirtysomething, is an unhappily married man with a secret desire. He runs off to Greece and rediscovers himself, going crazy at house parties. Then, Mr Cassidy falls in love with a mysterious, beautiful, barely legal boy. "Nobody know hees name", says Homos, the DJ, "they all call heem thee Sun Dance Kid." You can guess the rest, can't you?
Crusading. Alone.
"Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless in a world of criminals who operate above the law. One man can make a difference: Michael Knight, a lone crusader in a dangerous world... the world of the Knight Rider."
How many people heard this preamble? Now just realize its utter stupidity.
First of all, Michael Knight is a "loner on a crusade" and a "lone crusader"! Thesauri are made for a reason, people. Equally stressed is his living in a "dangerous world" (twice), although he is rarely in any mortal danger.
My favorite, however, are the " criminals who operate above the law." Don't confuse them with law-abiding criminals.
You know what they say..
To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To an optimist, the glass is half full.
To an alcoholic, the glass is now empty and in dire need of a refill.
Curiosity killed the cat. Makes you wonder what it found out, doesn't it?
There's plenty of fish in the sea. Sharks, for instance.
We'll leave no stone unturned. It's only after we've turned the last stone and demolished the entire goddamn house that somebody will think of checking under the couch.
There's no business like show business. Then again, there's also no business like taxidermy or selling edible panties.
Distant Relatives
 |  |
| Genghis Khan | Chaka Khan |
One of the two people above has redefined torture and terror to the world, putting fear into the hearts of the bravest of men, displaying feats of unequalled cruelty and actually experiencing genuine pleasure while inflicting horrendous pain upon millions of innocent victims, ignoring their pleas for mercy.
Genghis, on the other hand, was an accomplished military strategist, who, like Alexander the Great, managed to rule a vast empire, his stretching from Hungary to Korea. The fact that he used to build pyramids of the skulls of his enemies just showed that he was a playful, creative type of person.
Miss Switzerland looked on horrified, maintaining her neutrality
Just when you think the news couldn't get any more bizarre, you read: "Miss World riots kill dozens." I know what this is really about (Nigerian muslims going berserk after a newspaper suggested the Prophet might have married some Miss World contestants), but it still conjured up images of a catfight run amok.
"Miss Columbia then produced a semiautomatic weapon and shot Miss Japan. Somehow, five other contestants, including Miss Finland and Miss Australia, had managed to sneak AK-47s into the pageant. One massacre later, the entire North American continent's gorgeous delegation bathed in a pool of their own blood."
Movie clichés
Here are some often-heard quotes in movies:
- 8. "Oh, so now it's my fault?!"
- 9. "You can't do this to me! I'm an American citizen!"
- 10. "You set me up!"
- 11. "This was the plan all along, wasn't it?"
- 12. "I didn't do it!"
- 13. "You have 48 hours."
- 14. "I know what I saw!"
- 15. "All the nice guys are either gay or married."
- 16. "I'm taking you off the case."
- 17. "This time it's personal."
- 18. "While we're standing around talking about this, that guy is out there!"
- 19. "I'm not saying a word without my attorney."
- 20. "I want the truth this time!" – "You'd never believe me."
More movie clichés
Now to find a story to put these in..
- "It was 5:25 –the time of day when the hands of the clock most resemble a flaccid penis."
- "Only when her hair looked perfect and she shifted her gaze toward the pale, bony figure in the mirror, did Cindy realize what she had been experiencing: a brush with death."
- "Small Oaks was like a badly maintained weblog –change was uncommon to it, and visitors were rare."
- "The thought popping into Jim's head resembled the time when the winner of the Nobel Prize for chemistry, Henry Pachowsky, keeled over, falling into a coma: a stroke of genius."
Tie a Slightly Off-Mauve Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree..
| We had the red ribbon against AIDS. We had the blue ribbon for free speech online. No wonder, then, that someone invented The Ribbon-O-Matic to enable ordinary people to design their own color-coordinated ribbon for a cause of their choice. On the right, you can see what I feel is a worthy and noble goal. Down with Concerned Citizens I say, in whatever form or shape they may appear. Relax, Concerned Citizens. Things are not as bad as all that, and even if they are, there's no point worrying about it, or pretending you could have some real influence. Chill. |  |
The Adverbial Adventures of Tom Swift
Ages ago, I found a collection of strange, humorous sentences on the web called Tom Swifties. Apparently inspired by a book character named Tom Swift, they follow this pattern:
"<Sentence>", said Tom <adverb>.
The joke is the indirect and often pun-related way in which the adverb refers back to the sentence. But let me show you:
- 'I'm telling you, I wrote another FOR loop here', Tom reiterated. [geek humor]
- 'Yes, it's true; they let me in', Tom admitted.
- 'My mom's German', Tom muttered.
- 'You think that's a hard life? Let me tell you, living in the same town all your life is not much fun either', said Tom unmoved.
- 'I can't believe it's -17 degrees!' said Tom nonplussed.
- 'The whole thing was a big joke', said Tom seriously.
- 'You should have gone to the front of the boat', said Tom sternly.
- 'I get sick every Wednesday', said Tom weakly.
- 'I'm moving to the Midwest', Tom stated plainly.
- 'Does this mean I'm acquitted?' asked Tom innocently.
- 'You're really religious?' asked Tom in disbelief.
I've got you in my sights, baby!
This beauty appeared on my MSN frontpage the other day. It illustrates perfectly what havoc automated content management can wreak without human supervision.
To answer the question, John Muhammad is a shy young African-American. He likes driving around in his blue Chevy and thinks the world of his 17-year-old stepson. A bit of a loner, he enjoys mystery in a relationship and may seem distant at first. But underneath, he's an ambitious go-getter who knows what he wants. He's appeared on the front pages of many national newspapers and magazines.
In short, he's what you might call 'quite a catch'.
Canteen Conversation
"Hey, did I tell anybody yet that... wait, I forgot what I wanted to say."
"Maybe you wanted to say, 'Did I tell anybody yet that I have a short term memory problem?'"
"Maybe, yeah."
"And then we'd say, 'Well of course you did, you moron! Only about a million times already!'"
Definitive Spam
In my inbox today was the following bold headline at the top of a piece of spam:
"Every Man Wishes He Had a Larger Penis...
Well...So Do 72% of Women..."
What can you possibly add to this? Never before has advertising shot itself to perfectly in the foot. It was right there in fluorescent pink-and-white:
Seventy-two percent of women wish they had a larger penis.
I hope I never run into any of them, thank you very much. I prefer my women penisless.
Update: I stand corrected. Browsing on, I caught this gem: "Click here and in less than a minute you will learn how to attract the opposite sex like a magnet".
Think about it for just a minute if you will. Take a magnet. Put it on the pavement in a busy street. Does it attract the opposite sex? I don't think so. So learning how to attract the opposite sex like a magnet is something that seems pretty easy. I'm sure I could learn that in under a minute.
A flick by any other name
Instead of making old movies again under a different name (say, "Death Takes a Holiday" becomes "Meet Joe Black"), why not make different movies under an old name? Here's an example:
The Big Chill, 2002. Directed by Jerry Bruckheimer. Starring Bruce Willis as The Weatherman, and Julia Roberts as His Assistant Meteorologist.
The Plot: A cold front threatens to engulf Southern California. Panic ensues as a light breeze hits the Los Angeles area. Cars get stuck in traffic jams and things inexplicably explode. Then there is a drizzle in Hollywood, and all hell breaks loose. Not recommended for intelligent viewers.
NO CHASMS
Technology is only what people do with it. SMS, for example, was nothing more than an error reporting system until people figured it out and came to its current electronic Post-Ittm usage. However, SMS is also a means of isolationism, of retreating into our cocoons even when we're in a bar, at a party or in a crowd.
GIVE UP THIS PHONE FOR A WEEK.
TALK TO THE PERSON SITTING OPPOSITE YOU.
160 CHARACTERS, NONE OF THEM YOURS.
SMS IS SLOW, SPEECH IS FAST --SPEED UP.
Coincidence, or....?!
Lately, I've been noticing some creepy stuff.
In the year 2000, I visited New York City. While there, I visited the WTC towers and looked down from one from a dizzying height. Less than a year later, those very same towers had fallen victim to a brutal and senseless terrorist attack.
In 1992, I visited Prague. For several days, I explored the old center and strolled along the beautiful Vltava river. One decade later, that very river is experiencing its worst floods in a century. The old center is hit hardest.
Am I the only one seeing a pattern here?
Useful icons
More and more weblogs employ useful and informative icons such as 'current mood', 'currently reading', 'current humidity', and, of course, 'current amount of peanut butter in my fridge'. What we tend to forget sometimes, though, are icons referring to current events. Here are some helpful ones to get you started:
 | The current likelihood of an American invasion of Iraq |
 | The name of today's multinational bankruptcy |
 | The number of people killed in today's Palestinian suicide bombing |
An unknown classic
Dutch comedian Wim de Bie once recorded the only honest rock'n'roll song ever made. (Not many people know that the expression 'rock and roll' used to be slang for sexual intercourse.) Now, he just put this little gem on his (Dutch) weblog. He even comments on the song's failure to be released internationally at the time, apparently not realizing the power of this new medium to correct this regrettable mistake. So, for the English-speaking world to listen to, here is a link to Melvin Rosbeef's tender ballad, 'I wanna fuck you'. (Not work safe, as you may have already guessed.)
Suspected Islamic Terrorist Arrested
 The amphibious admiral | While trying to enter the U.S. as an illegal alien, Alliance Fleet commander Admiral Ackbar was arrested by a SWAT team this morning, charged with membership of an Islamic terrorist group. FBI Special Agent B. Fett commented that "we've had our eye on this one for some time now." Agent Fett denied that Ackbar had been subject to "species profiling". "Whether they are humanoid, lizardlike, or, as in the case of Mr Ackbar, amphibious, everyone is subject to the same kind of scrutiny." The FBI suspect the Mon Calamari military officer because of his surname. "You are probably familiar with the phrase, 'Allah Akhbar', or, in English, 'Allah is great'." Agent Fett told interviewers during a press conference. "It is our strong suspicion that Mr Ackbar is an Al-Qaeda operative who is aiding these cowardly criminals with his advanced intergalactic technology." Ackbar, meanwhile, is speaking only through his lawyer, a Mr Max Rebo. "These allegations are very extreme and completely unfounded", Mr Rebo told the press. "I have yet to be presented with one convincing piece of evidence. As for my client, he has asked me to let everybody know that he is being framed in a conspiracy that reaches into the highest circles. Or, as he put it, 'It's a trap!'" |