Open letter to Hotel Zlatorog, Bohinj, Slovenia

Dear Sir or Madam,

I recently paid a visit to your hotel, located on the western shore of Bohinj lake in Slovenia. When I entered the elevator to go up to my room, I was surprised to see the following notice inside:
I can't tell you how reassured I felt. How many hotels can truthfully say that they have installed a pyramid on the premises to meet my cosmic energy needs, and minimize radiation at the same time? (Although I must admit that my tinfoil hat filters out most of the sigma and tau rays.)
Greatly invigorated, I went to sleep in your lovely room 403.

At exactly 4:03 in the morning, I was awoken by a sudden rumbling.
The noise seemed to be emanating from the minibar (which, by the way, was fully stocked --thanks for that). When I approached it, the door burst open and a bright column of light lit up the room as if it was midday. Before I could close the door, out stepped the demon Zalk'orm, also known by his ominous nickname, The Soul-Eater. It took me a few seconds to compose myself, and by then he'd already started to recite the Chant of Doom, so I did what anyone would have done: I rapidly yelled out the Fifth Incantation of Shingark the Elder, which dematerialized Zalk'orm back to the Nether Realm, leaving only a faint fragrance of asparagus in the room.

I think you know what I'm going to say next: apparently, your hotel is located on an intersection of the Lines of Nagzouu, a known portal into the Nether Realm, which your pyramid has inadvertently opened. If you've lately (especially since 08-08-2008) experienced hotel guests checking out without leaving their key or --more importantly-- paying the bill, the reason may well be an increase in demonic activity. It might also explain why the pasta in your all-you-can-eat buffet has been tasting a bit off.

To resolve this problem, you have the following options. First, you can require the guests' credit card details up front to ensure payment. Second, you can move the entire hotel approximately 25 feet to the north (which would bring it closer to the lakeside as well -- an added bonus). Third, you can get rid of the pyramid. I know that this last option is obviously the least preferable, but look at the bright side: by ditching the pyramid (and the notice in the elevator) you'll be attracting more, shall we say unenlightened guests who believe in such ridiculous concepts as 'common sense' and 'science'.

Anyway, best of luck with your great hotel, I intend to visit you again soon. And say hi to Zalk'orm from me if he rematerializes.

Kind regards,


Posted by zeptimius at 11:29 AM, September 04, 2008