Stick it to the Man!

This is a fairly long post, but I promise it's worth your while.

Yesterday, for no particular reason, I started thinking about the way big companies communicate with us. This example, sent to me by my bank, serves to illustrate.

Dear cronopio,
Naturally, you want to have your banking affairs arranged as safely as possible. NAME OF BANK is doing its utmost to make that possible. The law, too, places more and more restrictions on the security of financial services. This means, among others, that every bank, pursuant to the Law of Identification for Services, is obligated to (re)establish and record the identity of its customers.
What does this identification obligation mean for you?
We ask that you visit one of our offices before 27 September 2006 in person with a valid ID, so that we may identify you. After identification, your ID and signature will be scanned. This scan will be added to our administration.
Where and when can you visit us?
To identify yourself, you can visit any of our offices. For your convenience, we have temporarily extended the opening hours of some of our offices. The office closest to you is ADDRESS. You can visit us there for identification on weekdays between 9 AM and 5.30 PM. [These are normal opening hours.]
What do you need to bring with you?
-A valid and non-expired ID, for example a passport, driver's license or identity card.
-This letter or your bank card.
Kind regards,
N. Assclown, BA [name changed]
PS We look forward to seeing you before 27 September 2006 at our offices!

This letter bears all the markings of corporate communication:

• It starts out with what sounds helpful to us, even though we're doing the bank a favor.
• It blames the law for bothering us.
• It doesn't apologize for making us do this.
• It sets an arbitrary deadline without explaining what happens when you miss it.
• It fails to seriously address the problem of what to do if you're at work between 9 AM and 5.30 PM.
• It fails to explain what to do if you can't come to the post office (say, you're elderly and can't walk very well).
• The author mentions his or her BA, which is generally not considered polite as it's not much of an academic achievement (unlike, say, a PhD), and looks like it's included only to impress the reader.
• The PS sounds vaguely intimidating.

27 September has come and gone, and I haven't been anywhere near a bank while it was open. Nothing has happened, other than an increasing feeling of discomfort for not having done this stupid chore. But instead of complying with the bank's whimsical wishes, I decided instead to fight back.

Here is the letter I mailed back to the bank today:

Dear Mr or Ms Assclown [name changed],
Naturally, you want to have your banking affairs arranged as safely as possible. NAME OF FICTITIOUS COMPANY is doing its utmost to make that possible. The law, too, places more and more restrictions on the security of financial services. This means, among others, that NAME OF BANK, pursuant to the Law of Identification for Services, is obligated to (re)establish and record the identity of its customers.
What does this identification obligation mean for you?
We ask that you visit the above address before 27 November 2006 in person with a valid ID and a scanner, so that you may identify us. After identification, you can scan our ID and signature. You can then add this scan to your administration.
Where and when can you visit us?
Since we work during office hours, you can only visit us outside office hours. But for your convenience, we have temporarily extended our opening hours. You can visit us at our address between 8 PM and 1 AM (normally only until 12 PM).
What do you need to bring with you?
-A valid ID, for example a passport, driver's license or identity card.
-A document that proves that you indeed work for NAME OF BANK, such as an employment contract or salary slip.
-This letter.
We apologize in advance for the inconvenience.
Kind regards,
cronopio
PS We look forward to seeing you before 27 November 2006 at our address!

I'll keep you posted on what happens.