Alarmism at dangerous heights

DES MOINES, IA -- A survey among random Americans conducted by the National Institute for Fear and Anxiety has revealed that a disturbingly large percentage of the population suffer from a heightened state of agitation known as 'alarmism'.
'Alarmists are easily scared, watch live car chases on television, and see a terrorist around every corner,' explains Dr Ruth Hentzbacher, who is associated with the Institute. 'Our study shows a marked increase in alarmism in this country that is very worrying indeed. These results are a wakeup call. We must act now before it is too late.'
When we confronted National Health Advisor Eric Snork with the results, he responded in a reassuring tone. 'The government is doing everything it can to combat alarmism. But private citizens must also be self-sufficient and take their initiative.'
Dr Hentzbacher disagrees. 'There is an immediate crisis going on. The US government cannot simply tell people to take care of themselves. Alarmism affects millions upon millions of Americans every year. This cannot be allowed to go on like this!'
A public opinion poll conducted last August showed that the number of people who were "worried to very worried" about the sharp spike in alarmism was itself on the rise, thereby compounding the problem.