Do you want fries with that, my Master?

Dear Burger King Marketing Department,

You recently launched this 'Darth Vader 20 questions' Web game. (I couldn't avoid noticing your logo in the preloader.) I'm writing this because I hope you will be able to answer the following 20 questions for me.

  1. How exactly is fast food connected to extraterrestrial intergalactic conflict? Are we to believe that the Death Star has a food court somewhere?
  2. In the game, Darth Vader tries to guess what I'm thinking of. Isn't Darth a bit too busy, oh, I don't know, crushing rebellions and destroying planets?
  3. Speaking of which, Darth Vader is evil. He's the biggest badass in the galaxy. Little kids wet their beds because of Vader. Is this who you want for a spokesperson?
  4. Vader sucks at this game. I tried 'The Force' --should be a piece of cake for him, right? So why can't he guess it?
  5. After about two dozen questions, the Sith Lord is looking pretty pathetic. Just look at him, with the stupid hand thing. I actually felt sorry ...for Darth Vader. Why did you have to go and tarnish this ultimate bad guy's reputation? Damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
  6. But wait! Who's here to save him? It's... the Burger King mascot! Now I'm no marketing genius like yourselves. But won't people go: Burger King... Darth Vader.. mass murderer... Burger King... mass murder? Just a thought.
  7. Moving on. The mascot sneaks up on Vader from behind and actually prompts him. What kind of a spineless sissy is Darth Vader that he needs help from a hamburger franchise marketing vehicle?
  8. Something else. Have you ever, ever seen Darth Vader eat anything? You haven't, have you. That's because of his mask. He has to wear that mask all the time. The guy probably eats liquefied food through a straw. Again, maybe not your most likely poster boy... unless you're trying to sell more milkshakes. Then again, can you imagine how tough Darth Vader would look slurping away at a milkshake?
  9. And who makes a cameo at the end of the game? Yes, it's none other than... Subservient Chicken (another BK marketing ploy)! How much more obviously can you plug your brand? A flashing logo across Vader's chest?
  10. So why is the Poultry Menace here? The Sith actually have a giant chicken among their ranks!? Is he from some alien species even more fearsome than that Darth Maul guy? C'mon guys! Lucas was stretching it with that amphibious Admiral, but this is ridiculous!
  11. Which reminds me, since we're talking about an Empire here, with an Emperor, how does the Burger King fit in? Seems to me like you got your monarchial structures in a twist here, boys.
  12. And what's with the vibrating browser window? It's been done, people. And besides, it doesn't work in Firefox. I guess the Dark Side only has power over Internet Explorer, right?
  13. Can you tell me where the easter egg is that shows Darth Vader having a light saber duel with Ronald McDonald? Cause that sounded cool!
  14. The game is called "Twenty Questions". Everyone knows that. So why does Darth Vader keep going until he reaches thirty? The man who can choke people to death with his mind needs to cheat in some namby-pamby game? Gimme a break!
  15. In Star Wars IV, we see Chewbacca and R2D2 play Dejarik, a holochess game, aboard the Millennium Falcon. Now, these two characters can't even talk, but they still manage to play a complex strategy game. How wimpy does Darth Vader look next to them, losing a kiddy game to internet users, easily the stupidest people in the known universe?
  16. What's in this for Darth Vader? What does he get out of this deal? Are you financing his war against the rebellion? Are you buying him parts for his next Death Star or something? That thing is a WMD if ever I saw one. You better watch who you're backing, guys.
  17. I know you're all into making your stuff seem nutritious and all, but let's face it Burger King food makes you fat. So why not be honest and have Jabba the Hutt for a mascot? You're not fooling anyone, you know.
  18. So what happens when I beat Darth Vader? Do I win anything for vanquishing the ruler of an entire galaxy? Do I get a printable BK discount coupon? No. I get zilch, nada, Bo Diddley squat. Where's the fun in that?
  19. The game is called 'Can Vader read your mind?' Well, can he? Be honest, please: is he telepathic... or just telepathetic?
  20. In conclusion: what drug were you on when you thought up this baby?
Ah well, have it your way®,


Posted by cronopio at 01:02 PM, June 08, 2005