Fifty Years of Crap Music

After watching what will surely turn out to be the most important European election this year, I have come up with a number of simple rules that all musical performers must adhere to.

• Do not sing out of key, or too loudly, or both.
• Do not wink at the camera.
• Do not shout "COME ON" or "EVERYBODY" between lines.
• Do not sweat profusely.
• And most important of all: do not, on any occasion, employ the Truck Driver's Gear Change.

Failure to obey these rules will result in Chinese water torure combined with listening to a "Worst Of Eurovision Song Contest" compilation CD, set to repeat.