Useful Resumé Tips

Recently, I had to examine a few dozen job applications and resumés for my employer. Here are some useful tips that I extracted from them.

• Remember, it's quantity, not quality, that counts in a resumé. Nine pages is good; twelve is better.


• If you're starved for content, simply list every OS, programming language, and application you've ever used, seen, or heard talk about, without offering any indication of your level of expertise in any of them. And remember: all the Windows versions are separate OSes, so list them individually, one on each line.


• Make the most, and the dumbest, mistakes in sentences which describe your fluency and/or accuracy; always spell the word "professional" as "proffesional".


• When you are a web developer, don't provide URLs of sites you've made. Don't make it too easy.


• Describe your activities at previous employers in painstaking detail, such as "Installed MS Word". Showing thoroughness will get you the job.


• Demand an outrageous salary to show you intend to start with a strong bargaining position.


• Mention the names of obscure 4GL programming languages and highly specialized applications. This will intrigue your prospective employer and lend an air of mystery to your person.


• Apply for a job for which you don't match with any of the basic requirements, simply because you use a computer, too.


• Play hard to get. Say stuff like, 'Maybe I could be persuaded to come by for a job interview. If you want.'